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From The Vaults: Opinion Poll

Originally published in the precursor to the DSWJ, 02/09/00

THE ADVERTISING INDUSTRY SEEMS TO BE VERY INTERESTED IN MY PERSONAL HABITS! THEY CALL ME AT HOME AND ASK ME QUESTIONS ABOUT MY PRODUCT PREFERENCES! THEY COOKIE MY COMPUTER! THEY SEND POLLS DIRECTLY TO MY HOUSE ASKING WOULD I LIKE A BRAND OF CIGARETTES WITH LESS TAR OR DETERGENT WITH GREATER GREASE-CUTTING POWER! LETTERS TO MY PERSONAL HOUSE!

WELL I WILL NOW MAKE IT CLEAR RIGHT HERE WHAT MY PREFERENCES ARE! I WILL BROADCAST MY PREFERENCES TO THE ADVERTISING INDUSTRY, SO THAT ITS HONEST AND DILIGENT WORKERS NEED MAKE NO MORE EFFORT TO DIG OUT INTIMATE INFORMATION ABOUT ME! HERE ARE VITAL STATISTICS ABOUT MY PERSONAL HABITS AND INTERESTS:

I LISTEN TO SPANISH-LANGUAGE RADIO AND I PREFER CUMBIA TO MERENGUE! I HAVE NO ALLERGIES EXCEPT TO MOZZARELLA! I WEAR MISMATCHED SOCKS! I THINK UNIVERSAL HEALTH COVERAGE IS A GREAT IDEA! YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED TO LEARN THAT I EAT MY TORTILLA CHIPS WITH HUMMUS AND NOT SALSA! I PICK MY SCABS!

I LIKE MY ANIME WITH SUBTITLES NOT DUBBED! I OWN GOLDFISH! I HAVE A TENDENCY TO LEAVE MY BOYFRIENDS FOR OTHER MEN ENTIRELY UNLIKE THEM! MY HEIGHT IS FIVE FEET TWO INCHES! I TOOK PERSONAL OFFENSE AT THE OVERBLOWN COVERAGE OF PRINCESS DIANA’S DEATH! I DO NOT INTEND TO USE FEMALE CONDOMS AGAIN, THAT WAS A MISTAKE! I CAN TIE A CHERRY STEM IN A KNOT IN MY MOUTH!

THE MUSIC OF THE TALKING HEADS FOR ME IS AN INTIMATE TOUCHSTONE FOR CHILDHOOD MEMORIES! I READ TRADE PUBLICATIONS OF POLICE FORCES RECREATIONALLY! I LOOK MORE LIKE MY MOTHER THAN MY FATHER! MY CONDIMENT OF CHOICE IS GARLIC SALT! I LIKE EGGS! I WILL NOT VOTE FOR EITHER MAJOR CANDIDATE IN THE UPCOMING ELECTION BECAUSE I FIND THEIR LACK OF CONVICTION ALARMING! I DO NOT FIND DAVID SPADE FUNNY, NOT AT ALL, EVER!

NOW I HOPE THE ADVERTISING INDUSTRY WILL SEE FIT TO PROVIDE ME WITH ADVERTISEMENTS FOR PRODUCTS MORE ACCEPTABLE TO ME! PERHAPS I WILL SOON BE PRESENTED WITH TORTILLA CHIPS PREPACKAGED WITH HUMMUS! OR SUBTITLED ANIME ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE MYSELF WHO OWN GOLDFISH AND ARE FUNNIER THAN DAVID SPADE! OR MAYBE A PRO-HEALTH-CARE POLITICAL CANDIDATE WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CUMBIA AND MERENGUE!

ALAS I FEAR THAT WITH THE UNERRING INSTINCTS OF THE ADVERTISING JUGGERNAUT AT WORK I WILL BE MORE LIKELY TO FIND MYSELF PRESENTED WITH A FEMALE CONDOM WHICH PLAYS TALKING HEADS SONGS AND TASTES LIKE GARLIC SALT! OR PROBABLY ANOTHER FCCKING MINISERIES ABOUT PRINCESS DIANA!

STILL I AM WAITING WITH BATED BREATH!

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