Google Ads has now officially earned its keep, in my opinion. It’s now delivering me 100% more certified, pure-grade crazy than Memepool does, straight to the links by my mail. Witness: The Internet Band, an all-initial-caps proposition made by a 42-year-old who has been writing and not producing songs for two decades, and now wants 24-to-26-year-olds to sing them for him, because “Songwriters Are Like Athletes, When They Hit Like 35-38 Years Old. They Lose Their Songwriting Ability. They Really Can’t Write Great Anymore. If, It Is Something Good, Its Just A Ballad.[…] When You Email Me, You Gotta Tell Me Everything You Can And Can’t Do Concerning Music. If You Are Married Or Have Children. Sorry, There’s No Chance With This Project.”
Selected moments of Doctor-Bronner, Wesley-Willis, Nice-Pete-style crazy:
I Have 137 Partial-Completed Songs. I Want This Group To Do Everything Right That Every Other Group Has Done Wrong The Last 50 Years. This Group Can Record And Release 35-40 Good Songs The First Year, Every Year. It Could Be A 35-40 Song Download That Sells For $20-25.00 No-Cds, No-Cds, No-Cds. I Hope You Fiqure Out What That Means. After The First Year, Then We Will Be Able To Pay The Highest Royalty Rate To All The Songwriters Of The World.
We Don’t Really Have Much Use For The Record Companies Now. Just A Distribution Deal Thats All. Now As For Me Having Contacts In The Business. Who Needs Them. Not Me. Most People In The Music Business Are Scum, Leeches, Backstabbers. And Non Musicians. The Only Thing I Want Now Is Me And The Group Working Together. We Make The Songs, We Own The Songs. We Use The Internet To Sell Directly To The 6 Billion People Around The World. Well The 3 Billion That Make More Then A Dollar A Day. If We Need To Bypass Radio, Tv And The Record Companies. Then This Band Will. Thats The Plan Anyway. Plus People Won’t Steal From The Group, If They Love And Respect You. Think About It. Don’t Worry, I Already Did. They Won’t. This Group Will Give Such A Great Value. The Marketing Of This Group Will Be Legandary. Pure Marketing Genius. The Fans Will Love It. Huh? People I Am Just Like You But I Have Been Preparing Alot Longer. Really A Long Long Time. Thats All. This Group Will Be #1. Very Easily. Thanks To The Internet. I Guarantee It.
You 20 Something Year Olds Make Me Laugh. All Your Life All You Know Is That The Stock Market Has Gone Up Alot And That Real Estate Has Gone Up Alot Also. Well, Quess What? The Next 20 Years Are Going To Be Horrible Compared To The Past 20 Years. You Better Have A Long Talk With Your Parents. Now Anyone Eligible To Join This Band Has 2 Pay Options. The First One Is You Can Get A Weekly Salary. That Salary Will Run Till The Songs For The First Release Are Available For Sale. You Will Then Be Dropped Just As The Band Is Ready To Dominate The World Music Scene. You Will Receive No Further Moneys From This Group. Now Why Would Anyone Want To Pay An 20 Something Year Old When They Could Get A 35 Year Old Virtuoso Studio Player? You Can Submit Your Weekly Salary Demand For My Approval……Now Since I Have The Best Collection Of Rock And Pop Song Ideas Then Anyone In The World. I Can Easily Call Myself A Future Rock And Pop Songwriting Legend And An Music Visionary. My Songs Are Good Enough To Send Any Decent Bar Band To #1. They Would Be The Band Of The Year. Whatever Year My Songs Are Recorded. I Can Accomplish That With Any Decent Group Age 15-50. I Just Need The Singer To Match Up Good With My Songwriting Style. Remember That. I Have A 21 Year Backlog Of Songs. My 100 Million Is Already Out There. I Just Have To Go Get It. Now If I Want To Try To Catch And Pass The Beatles For The Best All-Time.
You Should Google Any Person Or Small Business That You May Deal With On The Internet. If You Google Me, You Won’t Find Anything Good Or Bad. I Am Told Zero Information. Cool, I Haven’t Gotten Lucky Yet. Maybe After The Band Goes To #1, Then I Will Get On Google.
omg, you already ARE on google. also, it is rrl rrl hard to google someone when you don’t know their bloody name, sir.
Go read the rest — it really is primo shit.
Also, while we’re at it, you might also want to go check out the hyper-Spicegirlsism of barely-glossy middle-school-musical-theater-act Girl Authority. And if you need an antidote, try this comic from Cat and Girl.
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There was a hit song in the UK this year written by a bunch of guys who had a mildly popular band back in the 1960s or ’70s. They’re all in their 50s and 60s now, but they wrote a song and knew it could be a big hit, so they paid a bunch of 20-somethings to play it and recorded a music video. And the song charted.
I’m not sure I share this guy’s songwriting philosophy, but I admire his confidence, to a degree (he’s obviously not confident enough to sell his songs on the open market, which can be done).
True story: I clicked on the Girl Authority link, and before the drum roll was even finished, I was thinking “Are these girls covering I Love Rock & Roll?” Sure enough. They’re not even old enough to remember jukeboxes! Or possibly dimes!
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